I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
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My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse