My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
the rocks need my help
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?