People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
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A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.