I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
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Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of