I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
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If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My circle of trust is a meatball
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
same bro
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.