“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
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tinder profile where the fish is holding me
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
guys I’m going home
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.