It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
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Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.