I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
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Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Flowers bee like
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you