Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
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[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*