[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
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Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast