Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
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I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
The happy life.. 😊
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.