If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
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okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
“How’s your day going?”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10