guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
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landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*