When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
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“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Home #decor warning.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.