Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
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My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes