“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
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Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
*limbos under the caution tape
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them