I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves