I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
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My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Thursday Thought.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.