a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
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Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Overindulged this afternoon.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA