I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
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Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Yup….perfect score!
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.