[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
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Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
When ur friends with white people
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from