If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
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When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
me hitting on a model
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.