“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
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And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Camping tip: No.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.