CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
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Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.