[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
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How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
#damn
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Zack Greinke stories are the best
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
adam and eve had first world problems
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies