me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
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There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.