Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
You Might Also Like
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Best spoiler warning ever
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Close call…
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?