*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
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“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer