Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
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*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.