My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
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Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.