i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
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I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.