[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
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Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”