FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
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me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses