There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
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Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register