I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
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My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses