my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
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This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.