I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
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Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.