ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
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Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Adultry does not sound fun at all
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping