Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
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My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Brands during Pride
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.