Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
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I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Me irl
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
lmao
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop