If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
You Might Also Like
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Noted.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)