I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
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Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.