Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
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If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.