Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
You Might Also Like
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Holy crap this is wonderful
There is wisdom there.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Why I divorced her.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.