Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
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one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”