I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
You Might Also Like
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.