3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
You Might Also Like
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Noah
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!