*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
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*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Ooh I do like a good funnel
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.