The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
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😂😂
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”