Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
You Might Also Like
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
They’re really bad with fonts.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.